WTF Moments
by DNWHDYD
Summary: Random Alice and Bella crazyness. But crazyness is the best part of friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight (obviously).**

**It's after one o'clock in the morning which means my thoughts are kind of wooooo. So if you have no idea what I'm talking about, chances are I won't either in the morning. Basically random Alice and Bella moments that I thought would be odd. Enjoy sleep deprived weirdness.**

* * *

Bella walked up to Mike in gym.

"Pssssst!" She whispered, poking his arm repeatedly.

"What?" he asked annoyed, until he saw who it was. _Hmm…maybe she's finally come around._

"Hey Bella, what's up?"

"Edward and I broke up."

Mike grinned, "really?"

She nodded, then placed her arm around Alice's waist. _Where the heck did she come from? _Mike wondered.

"I left him for Alice, 'cause Edward can't fit in my new kitty pool." Alice nodded, trying not to laugh.

"What the fu-"

* * *

Alice walked down the stairs at the Cullen mansion, and sat next to Bella. Bella looked at Alice questioningly.

"Alice…why do you smell like potatoes?"

"Hmm…oh, Jasper has a Mr. and Mrs. Potato head fetish." She answered casually, picking up a magazine.

Bella continued to stare at her for a minute before shrugging to herself, "It could have been weirder."

* * *

Alice nudged Bella, who was sitting between her and Edward at the lunch table. Bella looked up to see Alice holding chopsticks.

"What's with the chopsticks?"

Alice shoved another set of chopsticks into Bella's hand.

"They're the only thing made in the USA. Use them, or be lead poisoned by plastic forks."

"I can't use those, b*tch, I'm white**." **

Mikes walked up behind them, "What the fu-"

* * *

Bella looked up at Edward, her eyes sparkling, "So you really love me?"

"More than anything," he answered lovingly, staring into her eyes.

Alice lean in Bella's ear and whispered, "You grab his wallet. I'll hotwire his car."

* * *

Alice threw a note on Bella's desk.

_List of rules for you and Edward's date tonight:_

_No groping waiters_

_No purchasing weed and/or crack_

_No cussing at nuns_

_No feeding the animals moldy bread_

Bella threw a note back.

_We're just going to the pond. And we're _supposed_ to feed the geese moldy bread."_

Alice shook her head.

_That's what the geese want you to think! Sadistic little b*tches…_

* * *

Alice and Bella built a castle out of snow.

"I think we did this wrong…" Alice muttered, looking at the blueprint.

"Yeah…maybe we should have read the directions first."

Alice snorted, "Who needs directions? I can build a sand castle without "directions" thank you very much!"

"Whatever."

* * *

Alice and Bella skipped through the meadow with their eyes closed, having a montage moment. They tripped over Edward, who had been lying in black boxers on a silk sheet. Rose petals, chocolate, and candles were scattered around him.

"What the heck Alice! I was finally about to get laid! And you just walk in and skip away with my girlfriend!" Edward stomped away, cussing.

Alice and Bella just shrugged at each other and continued skipping.

* * *

**Like it? Hate it? Want me to add other crap? If you want to tell me how stupid it is, don't waste your time stating the obvious. ****Anyway, I'm going to bed *yawn*. Peace out.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight (which I have said a million frickin times!), or Batman (yeah, that's new). **

**Anyway, I'm bored and trying to put off reading a book for English as long as possible, sooooo you get to read more. If you like this story, merry Christmas, another weird chapter. If you don't like this story then…I have no idea why you're still reading it, but more power to ya. PEACE!**

* * *

Alice walked up to a basketball goal and just stared at it.

"What the monopoly are you doing?" Bella asked, joining the awe struck vampire.

"It's the ultimate pole! It's just so beautiful…lets dance on it."

"Uhh…why?"

Alice pimp slapped Bella, "I just showed you the most amazing pole ever, which is surrounded by tons of orange balls, and you show absolutely no appreciation? You b*tch!"

* * *

Bella sat on Alice's shoulders, trying to change a light bulb. They just couldn't reach it though.

Alice sighed, "It's no use. We need batman. EDWARD!"

Edward walked in wearing leather, "Why am I wearing this?"

"Don't ask questions, batman! Just stand still, and don't scream."

Alice, with Bella still on her shoulders, climbed on Edward's head.

"Damnit! Still too short…"

The real Batman walked in and shot Edward, "Don't touch my cape, b*tch."

* * *

Alice sat an assortment of food on the table in front of Bella.

"Okay, tell me what each one tastes like to a human."

Bella nodded, and bit down on a strawberry, "Mmmmmm sweet and juicy."

Alice began jotting down notes.

Next was a peace of chocolate, "Sweet, melty, and smooth."

Alice nodded, scribbling something else in her notebook.

Bella took a swig of white liquid, "Hey, Alice? This milk tastes funny…"

"Uhh…Bella…that's not milk."

"…"

* * *

Bella sat down in a kitty pool, sipping a strawberry daiquiri. Alice sat opposite to her drinking blood out of a fancy glass.

Mike walked up to them, paling by the minute.

Bella raised an eyebrow at him, "And you thought I was joking."

"What the fu-"

* * *

Edward and Bella were making out on a couch, as all vampire/human couples do on Saint Patrick's Day **(A/N that would be an awesome tradition)**. Bella's pocket vibrated. She opened the text message, still kissing Edward.

_Smack Edward's butt in twelve and a half seconds if you want to get laid._

_-Alice_

* * *

Alice dialed Mike's phone number then handed it to Bella.

"Hello?"

"Seven days…" Bella whispered evilly.

"Equals a week," Alice added with creepy laugh.

* * *

**Like it? Hate it? Continue it? Idk...I'm really bored ...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Alice in Wonderland. Don't look so surprised! Yeah…I should just marry sarcasm, I use it so much. Shame on me.**

**Hope you like it, yes I am once again avoiding the book for English. Jane Eyre was pretty good in a weird way but to kill a mockingbird and all books like it should be burned! MWAHAHAHA! No offense, but there really was no plot to it. There's my opinion, I'm waiting for someone to b*tch me out for it. ****Aren't I so optimistic? Oh well, on with the random stupidity!**

* * *

Bella smiled, sitting on a swing at Forks playground.

"Charlie used to bring me here every summer."

The swing suddenly broke, sending Bella into a mud puddle**. **

Alice laughed, "Haha! Your a** broke it!"

**(A/N this happened to me hehe. When someone tells you swing is broken, don't get on it anyway)**

* * *

"Edward, you don't understand how much I love!"

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose, "Bella, we've been through this. I love you more, as I am a century old male vampire. You are only a teenage human girl, so you could not possibly comprehend the depth of emotions."

Alice hit Edward on the head with a sledge hammer.

"You sexist b*tch!"

* * *

"Alice, did you go to Wonderland?"

"No."

"How do you know for sure? You don't remember your human life."

"Because if I went in Wonderland I would have married the sexy mad hatter…instead Jasper's my b*tch."

"Jasper's sexy."

"Yeah, but he doesn't wear an awesome hat."

* * *

Bella laid down on her bed, almost asleep when…

"Wake up b*tch!"

Bella fell in the floor (shocker), looking around.

"Huh?"

Alice looked at Bella shyly.

"You are the chocolate to my brownies."

Bella stared blankly at her for a moment.

"That's great."

Bella rolled back into bed, only to have Alice pimp slap her.

"I just poured out my heart and soul to you, and all you have to say is "that's great"? You b*tch."

* * *

"Alice?"

"Yeah, Bella?"

"Why do you always say "b*tch"?"

"Cause your mom."

"Cause my mom what?"

"Ate my favorite vibrater."

"That b*tch!'

"I know!"

Mike walked in.

"What the fu-"

* * *

**What is with me and writing these at 1:00 to 1:30 everytime? Oh well I'm going to get ready for bed now *yawn*. See ya!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Still don't own Twilight. Btw Sarcasm and I appreciate the wedding gift XD. He's trying to keep it to himself though…selfish b-I mean loving husband! Err…on with the randomness.**

* * *

Alice and Bella were sitting in a jail cell, looking very annoyed.

"How did we end up here?" Alice sighed.

"Underage drinking, you wiping the floor with some lady over a shoe-"

"I HAD TO HAVE IT!"

"Right…and then calling the security guard a f*cked up son of a b*tch that can shove his d*ck up his a** then j*zz out his sh*t. Whatever that means…"

"It means *whispers*"

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Charlie walked in "What the fu-"

Mike pimp slapped him.

"You can NOT steal my line b*tch!"

* * *

Alice handed Bella a paper sack, grinning like the Cheshire cat, no pun intended.

"What's this?" Bella asked sniffing it.

"Weeeeeed!"

Bella stopped sniffing.

"Oh sh*t."

* * *

"Bella, you're such a prick!" Alice pouted.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you won't let me pinch your chubby cheeks. They're so cute like a squirrel! I bet you store nuts in your cheeks all the time!"

"No I don't!"

"Why are you blush-oh…I didn't mean it like _that_!"

* * *

Mike walked in. "That's right b*tches, I'm back!"

"But you still haven't finished your sentence." Bella pointed out.

"Oh, yeah. What the fu-"

Alice slammed the door in his face.

"Too slow!"

* * *

Bella picked up her burrito, about to take a bite when Alice suddenly karate chopped it across the room.

"What the f*ck Alice?"

"I'm trying to protect you!"

"From farting?"

"No…well maybe a little…but those are frozen burritos! Don't you know what's in those?"

"Beans?"

"No, pieces of breast implant! You almost ate fake tits!"

* * *

**Amazing! I didn't post this at one something! *Falls over in shock* And I'm completely serious about the last one though. Frozen burritos contain silicone which is in breast implants. DO NOT EAT THEM!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight yada yada yada. You know the oil drill. Sorry, I was going to publish a new chapter yesterday, but I accidentally deleted when I was trying to upload it somehow. I'm just so talented with that :P. Anyway, here's the randomness. Hope you like it :)**

* * *

Alice opened her fortune cookie.

"Kindness and serenity are the key to happiness" She read aloud, "BS."

Bella read hers next, "You will soon find yourself in love with two mythical creatures, being a book character, movie character, and called a b*tch"

"Well f*ck."

* * *

Edward stared at the kitty pool with pure hate.

"You're the reason Bella left me." His eyes narrowed, "Now you must die!"

He took out an ax.

Alice suddenly appeared and beat him over the head with a bag of weed.

"Don't touch my pool, b*tch!"

Bella beat Alice over the head with a bag of crack.

"Don't touch my b*tch, skank!"

"Possessive little b*tch..."

* * *

Bella inhaled Alice's hair, her eyes rolling back.

"Your hair smells like old mayonnaise."

"Is that a...good thing?"

Bella started munching on Alice's hair.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm heck yes!"

* * *

Alice Stood up on a lunch table.

"I have an important announcement, Bella please hold my hand for moral support. Everyone I...I'm...I'M IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPER!"

Jasper walked in wearing blue boxers with clouds on them.

"His eyes sparkled innocently, "W-where am I? The last thing I remember was a box of sugar plums and this short person tying my hands together...OHMYGOSH I'VE BEEN DATE RAPED BY SANTA!"

Mike walked in wearing a fake white beard.

"My face feels all scratchy. What the fu-"

Jasper threw Mike against a table repeatedly, shrieking, "SANTA IS A PEDOPHILE!"

* * *

**Like it? Hate it? I haven't really been able to work on this lately sorry. Yes, I am putting Mike in here to prove a point...actually that's BS, I just like making him cry XD. Don't we all though?Well see ya!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight...does anyone want to play some Russian roulette with me?**

**I'm seeing how many stories I can update today since school's back tomorrow. I don't know how much I'll be able to update after this, considering my friends conned me into taking an AP Biology class with them *looks pointedly at Mr. cuddles & Xdea* If you guys back out of that class I will murder you in your sleep with a hand shovel *smiles innocently*. Moving on…here's the story, hope you like it!**

* * *

Bella sat on the floor listening to classical music, absorbing the calm atmosphere. Alice walked in to get Bella's opinion on the wedding planning, her right eye twitching.

"How can you stand to listen to that rubbish?"

"It's called music, and it's very nice, much better than pop!" her face twisted in disgust, "Who listens to that anyway?"

Alice looked like she had been slapped, "EVERYBODY! That's it, I'm educating you in music."

She handed Bella a CD.

"Yodeling?"

"Soothing isn't it?"

* * *

Alice started strangling Bella.

"You b*tch! You wrote and PUBLISHED books about us?"

Bella tries to answer but doesn't have this magical substance called air.

Stephanie Myers walks in, "Bella didn't write Twilight."

"Then who did?"

Stephanie Myers looks at Alice's choke hold on Bella.

"Never mind, Bella wrote it."

She walks out hearing gagging noises.

* * *

Alice laughed, staring at a book.

"What's so funny?"

"This girl keeps begging her boyfriend to have sex with her, and cries every time he tells her to keep her clothes on."

Bella laughed too, "What a pathetic whore."

"Yeah...it's you."

* * *

"Alice, what will happen if I bite a vampire?"

"They'll laugh when all your teeth fall out."

"But would it turn them on?"

Alice shot a glace at Bella.

"No, Edward will not sex you up if you gnaw on him."

* * *

"Alice, why don't the showers work at your house?"

Alice shrugged, "Vampires don't have oil in their skin or anything, so why would we need showers?"

"You never bathe?"

"Nope."

"…"

* * *

Alice jumped on Newton's head.

"What the fu-"

"That's what you get for being a potty mouth, you little b*tch!"

She proceeded to beat him to death with a bag of weed.

* * *

**And finished! I'm running out of ideas on this, and attention span. So you can blame Mike for dyeing because he has to be cut off ever time or it just doesn't work. ****So you like it, hate it? You know the drill by now…oh btw my driving apparently scares my dad haha, he made me stop at McDonalds for "nerve tonic" aka French fries & ice cream.**


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